Like so many people I have spent my career demonstrating MY capability - the difference I could make to a team, to a company, to the world. Even as a self-proclaimed developer of people it was all about me helping others do better. The whole premise of my existence was based on my personal notion of capability. I am the strong, smart, learned one. It is about getting the job done and I am the woman for the job - just give me a chance to prove it.
Thesaurus.com lists about 50 synonyms for "Get the Job Done". We admire people who are fiercely independent, who ooze capability from every pour and don't seem to be faced with the same uncertainties we feel. In fact this drive to "Get the Job Done" feels like a part of our DNA. When I look around (and at myself) we seem to spend a lot of time avoiding the appearance of failing and of vulnerability. We reward the doers. And look down on the people we view as incapable.
I think this perspective is why I became so good at living my life as a liar.
Now let me be clear - I am not running around deliberately manufacturing the truth to manipulate outcomes. My lying is a bit more subtle but perhaps more nefarious. I lie about how I am doing and about needing help. These lies are designed to hide how absolutely terrified or out of my depth I feel on any given day. I don't want people to question my capability. And I don't want to ask for help in case you think I am not capable.
I started to challenge this "manufactured self" while living in China. Because of the new culture and new language I was forced to rely on other people to help me do things. Sure I was technically capable of doing most things myself…it was just not efficient and there were risks. For what felt like the the first time ever I had to ask for help. I had to show myself to be less than perfect. It was terrifying and freeing at the same time and it really pushed me closer to be a better version of me.
Quoting my favorite researcher Brene Brown in her book The Gifts of Imperfection “Healthy striving is self-focused: "How can I improve", Perfectionism is other-focused:"What will they think” . This is the distinction I am seeking in relying on others.
And now I am going through a period of transition and change. I don't have a job to get done, I don't know what I want to do, and I am virtually homeless. So I have reached out. Asked for help, started sharing my story, started living authentically - warts and all. I am terrified, excited and exploding with possibility.
Most importantly I am feeling more connected to other people. I am humbled by those who have reached out, shared their stories of transition and change - the fear of uncertainty and how it is all going to be alright. They help me understand that all of us have uncertainty and feel vulnerable even if that is not how things appear from the outside.
It is also nice to know that there are so many people who are there for me - being the capable, strong one can feel pretty lonely some days. These folks check in to make sure I am okay and generally remind me that I am on the right path. I have a place to stay, a safe place to find my way because I am willing to spread my arms and fall backwards into the mosh pit that is this world. And that makes me very grateful.
Thesaurus.com lists about 50 synonyms for "Get the Job Done". We admire people who are fiercely independent, who ooze capability from every pour and don't seem to be faced with the same uncertainties we feel. In fact this drive to "Get the Job Done" feels like a part of our DNA. When I look around (and at myself) we seem to spend a lot of time avoiding the appearance of failing and of vulnerability. We reward the doers. And look down on the people we view as incapable.
I think this perspective is why I became so good at living my life as a liar.
Now let me be clear - I am not running around deliberately manufacturing the truth to manipulate outcomes. My lying is a bit more subtle but perhaps more nefarious. I lie about how I am doing and about needing help. These lies are designed to hide how absolutely terrified or out of my depth I feel on any given day. I don't want people to question my capability. And I don't want to ask for help in case you think I am not capable.
I started to challenge this "manufactured self" while living in China. Because of the new culture and new language I was forced to rely on other people to help me do things. Sure I was technically capable of doing most things myself…it was just not efficient and there were risks. For what felt like the the first time ever I had to ask for help. I had to show myself to be less than perfect. It was terrifying and freeing at the same time and it really pushed me closer to be a better version of me.
Quoting my favorite researcher Brene Brown in her book The Gifts of Imperfection “Healthy striving is self-focused: "How can I improve", Perfectionism is other-focused:"What will they think” . This is the distinction I am seeking in relying on others.
And now I am going through a period of transition and change. I don't have a job to get done, I don't know what I want to do, and I am virtually homeless. So I have reached out. Asked for help, started sharing my story, started living authentically - warts and all. I am terrified, excited and exploding with possibility.
Most importantly I am feeling more connected to other people. I am humbled by those who have reached out, shared their stories of transition and change - the fear of uncertainty and how it is all going to be alright. They help me understand that all of us have uncertainty and feel vulnerable even if that is not how things appear from the outside.
It is also nice to know that there are so many people who are there for me - being the capable, strong one can feel pretty lonely some days. These folks check in to make sure I am okay and generally remind me that I am on the right path. I have a place to stay, a safe place to find my way because I am willing to spread my arms and fall backwards into the mosh pit that is this world. And that makes me very grateful.
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