Its the Small Things

It is always the small things.

As many of you know I am on an unplanned Sabbatical.  The dream job I left Walmart for was eliminated before I could even start.  Fortunately I was able to settle with the new-almost employer and now I am looking for what is next.

I am determined not to let this opportunity go to waste.  How many times in your life do you get a period of time where you can really focus just on you?  Exactly, Never.  So I started working on getting healthy, clarifying my goals and figuring out what to do next.  I found a Naturopathic Doctor, a therapist, hired a kick-ass Personal Life Coach and enrolled in my dream Leadership program.  

I must say, I am on fire.  Trying new things, eating clean, painting, moving.  I am taking classes and expanding my mind.  Reading books that makes things clear.  I am up every morning by 6:30 doing my morning stretching and journalling.  I am writing, engaging, business planning and networking.  I even jumped off a pole and fell into the arms of a flock of Seagulls.  I am tacking all those things that hold me back from being the powerhouse I am capable of.  I am not going to let this get me down - this sabbatical is going to be the best thing that every happened to me.  

I thought I had it all figured out...and then I stepped on a scale yesterday for the first time in 2 months.  This small simple act destroyed my groove.  It was like everything I had worked to build over the last few months came crumbling down around me.  All my hard work and nothing to show for it.  I weighed more than I did 2 months ago. 

For a few hours I was devastated.  All that work.  All that eating clean and walking and making good choices.  For nothing.  I could feel it. This was the point where I quit every single time.  This is the part of the program where historically I get discouraged and walk away.  Or slip away.  So I ate all my rice cakes with Havarti cheese, watched some TV and took a nap.  Old patterns returning.

Then something happened.  Something that has never really happened before.  You see, this this isn't the same Sharon dealing with this situation. This is the new and improved Sharon.  Instead of retreating and hiding, pulling out a bag of Doritos or other yummy chip and watching TV for hours I did a few things differently.

1. I recognized the pattern, the warning signs and decided to stop it.  Instead of days of wallowing I stopped after only a few hours.  
2. I asked for help.  I reached out to my coach.  I told him where I was in this and he answered my call. He heard me and pushed me and reminded me of what is important.  Asking for help is tough for me but I am learning.  
3. I went for a walk.  I put on my running shoes and went for a fast, angry, energetic walk around my neighborhood.  Instead of shopping for the chips I desperately wanted, I worked up a sweat.  And was glad I did.  It felt good to move.  
4. I challenged myself to keep going and to be brutally honest with myself.

About point number 4...I had an Eureka moment on my walk yesterday.  During the walk I coached myself. I was the angry, kick ass high school coach who screams at the team while they lap the field.  This coach was pissed at me.  She could see through the story. She knew the truth and that is why she was so angry.

Here is the thing -  I was not giving it 100%.  Sure I am eating clean...most of the time.  Except for the guac and chips I had for dinner with two margaritas.  Oh, and that piece of cheese or serving of tempeh that was probably more than an appropriate serving size because it tastes so good.  All was good right - it's tempeh right?  No problem telling my coach I was still on plan.

Sure I walk...but its usually more of a stroll over to the bus stop.  So what if I have figured out the best route to walk home from the bus stop, avoiding all the really steep hills.  At least I am walking right? 

Look, I am writing every day in my journal and keeping up with my writing course.  Okay, so I am not keeping my 1 blog a week commitment. and really I spend more time reading the comments from there other people in my writing class than I do in actually writing.  At least I am writing, that counts right?

This is what inner High School coach (and my real coach if I just really listened to him) was yelling about.  Everything does count, including what I am not doing.  The lesson I learned yesterday is one of integrity - being really honest with myself and with others.  As Don Miguel Ruiz says in The Four Agreements - I wasn't being impeccable with my words.  

Because I was lying to myself and I was lying to others.  I was lying.  These small little lies, the fudging of the parameters...these were all impacting my success and my self-esteem.  It is a fine line because people around me could see that I was doing better.  I was telling a great story that is mostly true.  But the real truth is that letting all these small things drift in put me at less than 100%, impacting my ability to achieve real, sustainable results.  These little lies work like small cracks in the foundation.  Small cracks weaken the structure, giving way to bigger cracks and providing my gremlins and detailers a foothold to knock down the house I am building.  

What I know now is that I can't lie. Not to myself and not to others and not even one little bit.  If I want to achieve my results I have to act with 100% integrity, be impeccable in my word.  Because the little things add up.  And become big things.  And before I know it I will be back to the beginning again.  Or worse.  Because let's face it, I have been here before.  

So I am paying attention to the little things and holding myself accountable to them.  I am continuing to explore and try and stretch but my focus is a bit sharper.   I will let you know how it goes.  You have my word on that.  

This little light of mine

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

I love this song and have since I was a child.  There is something about the words that really resonates with me.  It was written by Harry Dixon Loes and I feel it beautifully captures what it means to be empowered.  It is a wish I have for everyone - that we can feel all this power in ourselves.

Children are born with it.  They have this beautiful glowing light about them.  They shine with the hope, the wonder and the adventure of life.  If you take the time to listen to them they are alive with the possibilities of this world.  No one has told them yet that they can't be whatever they want to be.  They blindly trust in their ability to climb the tree, jump off the wall or go down the slide backwards.  

How do we keep this light alive even as we grow older?  What flips that switch from unconscious belief in ourselves to self-limiting consciousness?  

If I look back on my own life it is hard to pinpoint the exact moment is started but I have memories of the not good enough feeling.  One was linked to learning how to write in cursive (linked writing).  I had terrible writing and envied the writing of the other girls.  I became so self-conscious of writing and words - and I LOVED WORDS and stories.   I also remember being in the 5th grade and beginning to feel the burden of being different, of not quite fitting in.  The self-consciousness that occurred when I was smarter, or happier, or taller made me want to shrink back into myself and hide.  

The people around me did not help either.  I was told I talked too much, or I was too uncoordinated to dance.  Certainly someone my height should be better at basketball.  Who did I think I was.  Boys don't like smart girls who wear glasses.  I was even told not to sing in our class performances - just mouth the words - because my voice was too strong.  

I am watching a friend's daughter enter into this time right now.  She is in the fourth grade and is one of the most remarkable people I know.  I marvel in the clarity of her ideas and her remarkable art pieces.  She is all sparkle and dresses to reflect it.  It breaks my heart to see her beginning to diminish her own light.  In her mind her art isn't good enough, she can't do anything right and she is becoming  self-conscious of her body.  She is a smart kid and knows where she doesn't fit it.  The messages are creeping in - from her friends, from media and even, unwittingly, from me.  

Why do we do this to each other?  What is to be gained from making a little girl want to hide her bright light? Who could I be if I lived up to my potential and didn't hide from who I was anymore?

These were some of the ideas I was mulling over when I set off to Sonoma California to take part in the first of four Leadership Retreats.  There were 24 of us in this program, committed to learning and stretching ourselves.  I remember sitting in a circle with everyone on the first day, looking from one to another as they introduced themselves and immediately minimizing myself as I sat in awe of everyone and their accomplishments.  

There was one one woman in particular who seemed to have it all figured out - surely she did not hold herself back.  She is one of those people who is a magnet.  Everyone wants to know her and be with her, hoping to catch a piece of her magic. I figured she was someone who was fully embracing her shining light with ease.  But once again I was reminded that looks can be deceiving.  

Through the course of the week each of us worked hard to get in touch with our individual greatness.  We watched each other but as the week progressed it became more about love and support than self-consciousness.  And let me tell you the transformations were remarkable for everyone - even this woman who seemed so perfect to begin with.  With each day and each activity her light burned brighter and brighter.  It blew me away, the idea that this beautiful, friendly, funny, smart woman was like the rest of us. She was hiding her brilliance too.

I learned many powerful lessons during my time in Sonoma but perhaps the most important is the power of leaning into your own greatness.  Without ego or conceit we all can all see the greatness inside ourselves and embrace it if we just try.  Can you imagine how incredible this world would be if we all lived life as the very best version of ourselves?  If we edited that internal soundtrack that reprimands us when when we are putting ourselves too far out there?  This powerful scares the heck out of me.  But my commitment to myself, my tribe mates and the world is that I am going to live up to my potential.  I am done hiding my light.  Watch out world!  Here we come.

Life in the Now

“Begin at once to live and count each separate day as a separate life.” ~Seneca

The world lost a good man last week.  Marc Nelson was a father, husband, brother, son, friend and an artist. He was someone who made an impact on the people he met and he left this world tragically and too soon.  And every day since he died I have thought of Marc, and the legacy of love and music he leaves behind.

 I will admit I am not a close friend of Marc.  We went to high school together and knew each other through classes and mutual friends.  I even had a crush on him back in the day.  Marc always struck me as one of those people who had it figured out.  He was nice to everyone, transcending the usual high school groups and was always welcome - with his guitar, his humor and his general nice guyness.  His tribute to our Vice Principal was one of my favorite high school memories, one that I forgot about until this week.

I hadn't seen Marc in years but because of the internet I was able to follow his career, listen to his music and read his words.   I enjoyed listening to his albums and wished him well.  From the postings and messages on Facebook it is evident that Marc continued to cast a wide net in his life, impacting many with his spirit and his music.  So many people are mourning the loss of someone special.

As I read through the tributes, listen to his music and try to make sense of the senseless I am struck by the valuable reminder Marc's death provides me.  We only have one life.  And it can end in the blink of an eye.  So live it.  Live each day.  Tell people you love them.  Do what you love to do.  Look up from your phone.  Play with your children.  Create the memories.

I love that Marc continued to pursue his music, be true to his passion.  It seems he played as often as he could.  Weekly gigs, iTunes EPs and festival appearances speak to someone who understood the importance of living a life that embraces his passions.  It is nice to know that the guy with the guitar in his hand in high school was still carrying it all these years later.

This video appeared in my Facebook feed last week.  Maybe because of the kind of week it was it really spoke to me.  Regardless, I like it's message.  Everyday we are given 84,600 seconds.  We can't carry that time over with us.  It is up to us to make the most of it.  So What are you going to do with your 84,600?

Here's hoping we all remember to live our lives as boldly as we can.  And to Marc's family and friends - I am sorry for your loss.  Marc was a good man and his legacy stretches farther than you can ever know.  

I am a Writer

It always amazes me what can come from a long walk on a beautiful day.  Yesterday was just one of those days.

While walking along the Stanley Park Seawall on an epically gorgeous day I articulated one of my deepest held dreams out loud.  And now I am going to share it with you.

So...deep breath in.  I have a declaration to share with all y'all.  I am a writer.  I love to write.  I dream about it.  In fact, being a writer is my dream career.  I am always thinking up plots and things to write about.  I swear, I have written whole novels in my head.  It is what I should be doing...

So, effective today, April 1st, 2014 I am declaring:

I AM A WRITER.

Crap.  I said it out loud.  Not just to myself but to the universe (or you folk reading this blog).  And we all know you can't take back what is on the internet.  Gulp.  Now I actually have to do something about it.

Over the last week or so the idea of being a writer has floated around the edges of my reality.  I am working on capturing all the things I love - that is me alone, not me as part of a couple, friendship, company, group.  I am having my Julia Roberts moment in Runaway Bride - I am figuring out how I like my eggs.

The thing about doing this soul searching work is it is not always pleasant.  I have had to confront some hard truths about who I am and how I limit myself.  I was not surprised to learn that I am a turtle - I pull into my shell when something is scary.  This is especially true when I am confronted by a situation where I am about to put myself out there - vulnerable to criticism, failure, disappointment - all those things that make us human.  Here is how it works.  The little gremlins hear things like "Passion Adventure, Exciting Opportunity and Risk" and they go crazy.  With surgical precision they jump into full on turtle mode.  Pull into the shell, shut down, numb, sleep, escape, run.  Maybe they are even more bear like than turtle like - it is like hiding in a cave until the long winter is over.

Since having my aha moment I have chosen to turtle (hibernate) - no blog, no emailing, no writing in my journal.  Word silence.  Numbing.  In true Sharon form I decided to hide from what is the inevitable truth.  The Gremlins must be right - Something this big and scary, so heart poundingly exhilirating has got to be bad for me.  Think of the rejection, humiliation, hard work, rejection, frustration…rejection…

SeaWall Selfie on the Walk that Changed it all with Ron Renaud

Wait a second, do you see the theme there?  I am terrified of rejection.  I do not want to be told I am not good enough by someone else.  I mean - that is my job.  Creating stories that reinforce my inability to do what I have dreamed of doing since I was a small girl.  But there it is again - even in trying to keep myself small and hidden I create stories.  It permeates everything I do so I may as well get paid to do it.

Fortunately I have my resident coach and Pain in the Ass Ron Renaud helping me hold myself accountable.  Reminding me that words matter and that I am worth it Dammit!  So, over Chipotle, some Emmerson and the most glorious spring day I began my Year of Declaration:

I AM A WRITER!

Because my career as a paper mache artist is seriously in question - This was supposed to be a Soccer Ball piñata.

Soccer Ball Piñata

Finding an apartment is a lot like looking for work

The Vancouver rental market is tough.  Landlords are swamped with applications, people will stand in the cold, freezing rain to be first in line at an open house without even seeing a picture of a potential apartment.  The truly dedicated get up at the crack of dawn and review listings every morning to get a jump on the competition.  I did not expect house hunting to be the most stressful part of my journey.  Even more stressful than finding a job.

And that is when I realized that looking for an apartment is a lot like looking for a job…Think about it

• If you snooze you lose.  Don't spend too much time thinking about your application.
• A lot of apartments (jobs) do not live up to the advertisement - you need to read between the lines and ask good questions.  Cosy usually means really tiny - Amazing opportunity - we will work you like a dog dangling the carrot of promotion
• First impressions count - make sure your application, resume etc reflect your differentiators
• Understand how you are the ideal candidate and play it up - for instance in looking for an apartment a single 40 something professional woman is often more desirable than a 20 something marginally employed new graduate.  Conversely the older you are the harder it can be to find work because you are over qualified.
• Be honest but don't overshare.  There are many things that potential employers and landlords don't need to know.  
• Decisions are made based on brief meetings with standard questions that you can get quite good at answering.
• Pretty people are more likely to get the place (job).  So take a shower, change out of the yoga pants and comb your hair.  Make an effort.
• References are meaningless - they are always your best friend or aunt and you pick them because you know they will say something nice about you…but they are really necessary.  And make sure you warn your reference that the call may come.
• Searching is hard to do when you already have a job because of the time involved in the search.  
• It pays to be organized and remember the details the different applications you make - because sometimes they all blur together and when you go back to look the advertisement is gone.
• You spend hours reading ads and putting your application only to realize it comes down to who you know
• Manners make a difference.  If you can't make a viewing appointment or change your mind, have the courtesy to let people know.  This is a a Karma thing.

Armed with this knowledge I decided to apply some career counseling advice to my apartment search.  

• Write down your ideal - the more you understand what this is the more likely you are to find it
• Be realistic - what are the must haves and what are the nice to haves?
• Network like crazy - tell everyone you know you are looking for an apartment
• Don't compromise.  This is a big commitment and it is a lot of money invested.  Make sure you are comfortable with your decision
• Read your contract and know what is legal and what is not
• Listen to your gut - if that apartment looks icky or the landlord seems crazy chances are your instincts are right.

I know it all sounds common sense but sometimes we forget these basics.  I am also happy to report that  after much worry and some common mistakes I managed to get it together - I have my apartment in my dream neighbourhood…and soon I will have that dream job as well.  Life in YVR is certainly getting better every day.

Gratitude

Today is a day of immense gratitude.

I am beginning to realize that gratitude, or the state of being grateful is an active choice.  And I am realizing that despite the superficial facade I try to present I am not really good at making the choice to be grateful.  Even when I have said the words "It is for the best" or "I am grateful for the lesson" it was usually a lie.  The good news is I have realized this and I am working on it.

As you know I am on my life sabbatical (a fancy term for being unemployed) meaning I have time to read and explore ideas (and surf the internet).  Today I came across this quote and it stuck in my head enough that this post grew from it:

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather from recognizing and appreciating what we do have. - Fredrick Keonig

It makes me realize that I have so much.  And I don't always appreciate it when it is there.

A friend from high school sent me a note this past week that blew my mind and I am still thinking about it days later.  It reminded me of of the person I am going to call Sharon of Years Past (and truthfully days past).  Unfortunately she does not always operate from a place of gratitude.  So often she operates from a place which was focused on what was missing from her life.  And striving for what seems unattainable.

Here is a good example that still plays out in my life today:

I am sure others felt this but for me High School was a time of loneliness and awkwardness.  My biggest lament was that I didn't have a friends forever BFF.  It seemed that everyone had a very best friend but me - they were all paired off in an unbreakable bond of friendship that left me feeling like a 3rd wheel.  And a bit left out and lonely.  In fact there were times when I felt that I didn't really even have a friend.  This may be a bit morbid (or a signal of my future depression diagnosis) but I would sometimes think about my funeral and try and figure out how many people would actually come.

Because I couldn't be grateful for what I had there are so many people whose friendships I missed out on because I was too shy or self- absorbed to see how wonderful they were (and still are).  Because I was so focused on what I didn't have I missed out on what I did have - or what I could have had.  The remarkable, smart, funny people who were in my life that I wasn't grateful for.

What I failed to realize at the time (and still forget sometimes now) is that I am blessed with so many wonderful friends and the only thing stopping me from a deeper friendship with them was me.
Fortunately for me (and probably despite me) I am glad to say that many of these wonderful people are still with me in my life.    They live across the world and some of them are friends dating back to grade school.  Today I am consciously acknowledging that they can be my friends for a lot longer if I do the work to maintain the friendships with them.  And don't get bogged down in imagined slights and feelings of not being good enough.

The easiest way to do this is to be grateful for these people and the many gifts that are in my life.  So one of my Year of Sharon resolutions is that I am working on coming from a place of gratitude.  And begin grateful for the wonderful life I have.  In the spirit of another high school friend who recently filled her Facebook timeline with her gratitude I will begin here:

Today I am grateful that:

The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day.  I went for a long walk, bought some wonderful fresh vegetables and made a delicious soup.

I am in Vancouver spending glorious quality time with two of my oldest and dearest friends and their families as well as reconnecting with other friends I haven't seen in years.

A old friend got wonderful news about a serious medical condition.  And my cousin is getting to hug her mother for the first time in over a year.

I am the Aunt to 7 biological and countless more chosen nieces and nephews.  I have brothers I adore, a SIL who has brought happiness to a broken family and two of the best dogs in the world.

And I have all these great friendships that have rocked my world, even if they only lasted for a very short time.

Don't Go Changing

When I move to or visit a new city I like to check out the local community gallery.  It is often a place to get inspired and for me to feel connected to the community.  This week I did just that, checking out (and becoming a member of) the Vancouver Art Gallery.  I was especially excited because there was a Lawren Harris exhibit highlighting his career.

Lawren Harris is an iconic Canadian artist, a member of the Group of Seven who is famed for his landscapes of Northern Canada.  These images are striking and pretty recognizable to most Canadians and arguably shaped how we view our country.

The problem with being iconic is that people have a set perception of who you are and what you are about.  This exhibit proved to be a great example of this.

Spanning over 50 years, visitors are treated to the evolution of his style - from the very realistic images from in his early career through to complex abstract art in his later years.  I was reminded that you have to excel at the fundamentals before you can truly go forth and break all the rules.

While I wandered through the exhibit I indulged in another passion of mine -  listening in to the conversations of the people around me.  Universally people were filled with awe as they looked over the well known images.  The comments changed as they turned the corner to confront the more abstract images.  One woman declared loudly - THIS IS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED and proceeded to fly through the rest of the exhibit.

It was clear that this woman was not pleased with how Lawren Harris' work had evolved.  Apparently she just wanted to see the Group of 7 Lawren Harris that everyone was familiar with.



It was about this time I had a revelation.  Some people don't want us to change and evolve.  They want to hold on to the version of us that they are comfortable with - the version of us that they see as the pinnacle.  In their own, well meaning way they try to hold us back from changing and trying new things because they are comfortable and used to us being a certain way.

Imagine how limited Lawren Harris would have felt if he stopped evolving in the 30's.  We would have missed out on 40 more years of stunning, thought provoking images.

It is the same for all of us.  It is important that all of us continue to evolve and change.  Keep changing, keep seeking.  Don't let others hold you back or keep you from finding your inner abstract artist.