Finding an apartment is a lot like looking for work

The Vancouver rental market is tough.  Landlords are swamped with applications, people will stand in the cold, freezing rain to be first in line at an open house without even seeing a picture of a potential apartment.  The truly dedicated get up at the crack of dawn and review listings every morning to get a jump on the competition.  I did not expect house hunting to be the most stressful part of my journey.  Even more stressful than finding a job.

And that is when I realized that looking for an apartment is a lot like looking for a job…Think about it

• If you snooze you lose.  Don't spend too much time thinking about your application.
• A lot of apartments (jobs) do not live up to the advertisement - you need to read between the lines and ask good questions.  Cosy usually means really tiny - Amazing opportunity - we will work you like a dog dangling the carrot of promotion
• First impressions count - make sure your application, resume etc reflect your differentiators
• Understand how you are the ideal candidate and play it up - for instance in looking for an apartment a single 40 something professional woman is often more desirable than a 20 something marginally employed new graduate.  Conversely the older you are the harder it can be to find work because you are over qualified.
• Be honest but don't overshare.  There are many things that potential employers and landlords don't need to know.  
• Decisions are made based on brief meetings with standard questions that you can get quite good at answering.
• Pretty people are more likely to get the place (job).  So take a shower, change out of the yoga pants and comb your hair.  Make an effort.
• References are meaningless - they are always your best friend or aunt and you pick them because you know they will say something nice about you…but they are really necessary.  And make sure you warn your reference that the call may come.
• Searching is hard to do when you already have a job because of the time involved in the search.  
• It pays to be organized and remember the details the different applications you make - because sometimes they all blur together and when you go back to look the advertisement is gone.
• You spend hours reading ads and putting your application only to realize it comes down to who you know
• Manners make a difference.  If you can't make a viewing appointment or change your mind, have the courtesy to let people know.  This is a a Karma thing.

Armed with this knowledge I decided to apply some career counseling advice to my apartment search.  

• Write down your ideal - the more you understand what this is the more likely you are to find it
• Be realistic - what are the must haves and what are the nice to haves?
• Network like crazy - tell everyone you know you are looking for an apartment
• Don't compromise.  This is a big commitment and it is a lot of money invested.  Make sure you are comfortable with your decision
• Read your contract and know what is legal and what is not
• Listen to your gut - if that apartment looks icky or the landlord seems crazy chances are your instincts are right.

I know it all sounds common sense but sometimes we forget these basics.  I am also happy to report that  after much worry and some common mistakes I managed to get it together - I have my apartment in my dream neighbourhood…and soon I will have that dream job as well.  Life in YVR is certainly getting better every day.

Gratitude

Today is a day of immense gratitude.

I am beginning to realize that gratitude, or the state of being grateful is an active choice.  And I am realizing that despite the superficial facade I try to present I am not really good at making the choice to be grateful.  Even when I have said the words "It is for the best" or "I am grateful for the lesson" it was usually a lie.  The good news is I have realized this and I am working on it.

As you know I am on my life sabbatical (a fancy term for being unemployed) meaning I have time to read and explore ideas (and surf the internet).  Today I came across this quote and it stuck in my head enough that this post grew from it:

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather from recognizing and appreciating what we do have. - Fredrick Keonig

It makes me realize that I have so much.  And I don't always appreciate it when it is there.

A friend from high school sent me a note this past week that blew my mind and I am still thinking about it days later.  It reminded me of of the person I am going to call Sharon of Years Past (and truthfully days past).  Unfortunately she does not always operate from a place of gratitude.  So often she operates from a place which was focused on what was missing from her life.  And striving for what seems unattainable.

Here is a good example that still plays out in my life today:

I am sure others felt this but for me High School was a time of loneliness and awkwardness.  My biggest lament was that I didn't have a friends forever BFF.  It seemed that everyone had a very best friend but me - they were all paired off in an unbreakable bond of friendship that left me feeling like a 3rd wheel.  And a bit left out and lonely.  In fact there were times when I felt that I didn't really even have a friend.  This may be a bit morbid (or a signal of my future depression diagnosis) but I would sometimes think about my funeral and try and figure out how many people would actually come.

Because I couldn't be grateful for what I had there are so many people whose friendships I missed out on because I was too shy or self- absorbed to see how wonderful they were (and still are).  Because I was so focused on what I didn't have I missed out on what I did have - or what I could have had.  The remarkable, smart, funny people who were in my life that I wasn't grateful for.

What I failed to realize at the time (and still forget sometimes now) is that I am blessed with so many wonderful friends and the only thing stopping me from a deeper friendship with them was me.
Fortunately for me (and probably despite me) I am glad to say that many of these wonderful people are still with me in my life.    They live across the world and some of them are friends dating back to grade school.  Today I am consciously acknowledging that they can be my friends for a lot longer if I do the work to maintain the friendships with them.  And don't get bogged down in imagined slights and feelings of not being good enough.

The easiest way to do this is to be grateful for these people and the many gifts that are in my life.  So one of my Year of Sharon resolutions is that I am working on coming from a place of gratitude.  And begin grateful for the wonderful life I have.  In the spirit of another high school friend who recently filled her Facebook timeline with her gratitude I will begin here:

Today I am grateful that:

The sun was shining and it was a beautiful day.  I went for a long walk, bought some wonderful fresh vegetables and made a delicious soup.

I am in Vancouver spending glorious quality time with two of my oldest and dearest friends and their families as well as reconnecting with other friends I haven't seen in years.

A old friend got wonderful news about a serious medical condition.  And my cousin is getting to hug her mother for the first time in over a year.

I am the Aunt to 7 biological and countless more chosen nieces and nephews.  I have brothers I adore, a SIL who has brought happiness to a broken family and two of the best dogs in the world.

And I have all these great friendships that have rocked my world, even if they only lasted for a very short time.

Don't Go Changing

When I move to or visit a new city I like to check out the local community gallery.  It is often a place to get inspired and for me to feel connected to the community.  This week I did just that, checking out (and becoming a member of) the Vancouver Art Gallery.  I was especially excited because there was a Lawren Harris exhibit highlighting his career.

Lawren Harris is an iconic Canadian artist, a member of the Group of Seven who is famed for his landscapes of Northern Canada.  These images are striking and pretty recognizable to most Canadians and arguably shaped how we view our country.

The problem with being iconic is that people have a set perception of who you are and what you are about.  This exhibit proved to be a great example of this.

Spanning over 50 years, visitors are treated to the evolution of his style - from the very realistic images from in his early career through to complex abstract art in his later years.  I was reminded that you have to excel at the fundamentals before you can truly go forth and break all the rules.

While I wandered through the exhibit I indulged in another passion of mine -  listening in to the conversations of the people around me.  Universally people were filled with awe as they looked over the well known images.  The comments changed as they turned the corner to confront the more abstract images.  One woman declared loudly - THIS IS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED and proceeded to fly through the rest of the exhibit.

It was clear that this woman was not pleased with how Lawren Harris' work had evolved.  Apparently she just wanted to see the Group of 7 Lawren Harris that everyone was familiar with.



It was about this time I had a revelation.  Some people don't want us to change and evolve.  They want to hold on to the version of us that they are comfortable with - the version of us that they see as the pinnacle.  In their own, well meaning way they try to hold us back from changing and trying new things because they are comfortable and used to us being a certain way.

Imagine how limited Lawren Harris would have felt if he stopped evolving in the 30's.  We would have missed out on 40 more years of stunning, thought provoking images.

It is the same for all of us.  It is important that all of us continue to evolve and change.  Keep changing, keep seeking.  Don't let others hold you back or keep you from finding your inner abstract artist.

The Stories I Tell Myself

As I work through this sabbatical thing much of my focus has been on figuring out who I am and what I can do.  As I play with this theme it is interesting to me the number of stories I have that limit or manage my choices:

I am not creative - I can't paint, sing, dance
I am not really a recruiter, I am better at process
I am overweight and not able to exercise
I am not about numbers or finance - I don't even know where all my money is
I am clumsy, lazy, disorganized, too fat, too old, too slow, out of touch, out of date,
I am not worthy of the successes in my life.
You won't find something else - just take anything you can get
This is as good at is gets
Work isn't meant to be fun
Wanting to be happy at work and make money is unreasonable.

When I step back to look at this list, I realize two things: these are mostly the voices of the people who want to hold me back (with the biggest finger pointed right at myself) and they are not true.

Sure, there may be kernels of truth inside each one, but really what they are is a collection of scripts I have created to hold me back from my true potential.  I am creative - I may not be a world renowned artist but a big part of that is because I haven't tried.  And I haven't tried because I am afraid.  And as I start painting and doing art journalling I realize that the joy of creativity is not about the recognition from others but the feeling I get when I am in the middle of it.  When I don't take the time to foster this creativity other parts of my life suffer.

I have a friend who I have always admired because she doesn't seem to have these same negative scripts running through her life.  She has always seemed so strong and capable and not plagued by the negativity (note - this is my assumption, I have never talked to her about it).  And she has achieved so much of what she has set out to do.  What differentiates her from others is that she seems to start everything from a place of possibility.  Instead of counting the reasons she can't do something, she lists all the reasons she can, and uses this as the foundation for achieving her goal.

As I do this work I need to remember that the negative voices and scripts only have power if I spend the time to listen to them.  And right now I am too  busy building my future to focus on the obstacles. 

Getting by with a little help from your Friends

Like so many people I have spent my career demonstrating MY capability - the difference I could make to a team, to a company, to the world.  Even as a self-proclaimed developer of people it was all about me helping others do better.  The whole premise of my existence was based on my personal notion of capability.  I am the strong, smart, learned one.  It is about getting the job done and I am the woman for the job - just give me a chance to prove it.

Thesaurus.com lists about 50 synonyms for "Get the Job Done".  We admire people who are fiercely independent, who ooze capability from every pour and don't seem to be faced with the same uncertainties we feel.  In fact this drive to "Get the Job Done" feels like a part of our DNA.   When I look around (and at myself) we seem to spend a lot of time avoiding the appearance of failing and of vulnerability.  We reward the doers.  And look down on the people we view as incapable.

I think this perspective is why I became so good at living my life as a liar.

Now let me be clear - I am not running around deliberately manufacturing the truth to manipulate outcomes.  My lying is a bit more subtle but perhaps more nefarious.  I lie about how I am doing and about needing help.  These lies are designed to hide how absolutely terrified or out of my depth I feel on any given day.  I don't want people to question my capability.  And I don't want to ask for help in case you think I am not capable.

I started to challenge this "manufactured self" while living in China.  Because of the new culture and new language I was forced to rely on other people to help me do things.  Sure I was technically capable of doing most things myself…it was just not efficient and there were risks.  For what felt like the the first time ever I had to ask for help.  I had to show myself to be less than perfect.  It was terrifying and freeing at the same time and it really pushed me closer to be a better version of me.

Quoting my favorite researcher Brene Brown in her book The Gifts of Imperfection “Healthy striving is self-focused: "How can I improve", Perfectionism is other-focused:"What will they think” .  This is the distinction I am seeking in relying on others.

And now I am going through a period of transition and change.  I don't have a job to get done, I don't know what I want to do, and I am virtually homeless.  So I have reached out.  Asked for help, started sharing my story, started living authentically - warts and all.  I am terrified, excited and exploding with possibility.

Most importantly I am feeling more connected to other people.  I am humbled by those who have reached out, shared their stories of transition and change - the fear of uncertainty and how it is all going to be alright.  They help me understand that all of us have uncertainty and feel vulnerable even if that is not how things appear from the outside.

It is also nice to know that there are so many people who are there for me - being the capable, strong one can feel pretty lonely some days.  These folks check in to make sure I am okay and generally remind me that I am on the right path.  I have a place to stay, a safe place to find my way because I am willing to spread my arms and fall backwards into the mosh pit that is this world.  And that makes me very grateful.

A New Start

For some reason today seems like a great day to start a new blog.  I am living in a new city (Vancouver BC) surrounded by people I adore, one of my best friends got married to the love of her life and Mother Nature gave a big ole glimpse into the joys of Spring for a few hours this afternoon.

March 5th is all about Hope and Possibility.

I am really working on celebrating this idea of a new spring and the unlimited opportunities a new start brings.  But it is scary as heck.

You see, for the first time in a long time I am without a plan.  Even when I was being irresponsible - quitting my job and running across the country with someone I barely knew - I had a plan.  Okay so it was not the most well thought out plan but it was a plan.

This time it is different.  The only thing that is clear is that my original perfect plan is no more.  I have not come to Vancouver for the awesome job with an exciting Tech Company experiencing rapid growth.  I am not living in a fancy apartment and jumping from one high pressure HR job to another.   Nope.  That is not what the universe has in mind.   I do still get to breathe the wonderful fresh air of my homeland and watch hockey in prime-time but the rest is a little less clear.

I have spent the last week or so mostly in denial that I am going to have to figure this all out.  I have tackled the many administrative things that are attached to moving home (signing up for my universal health care and drinking Tim Horton's coffee).  But there is more to be done.  I am still not sure what the path is but right now it seems to have 3 parts:

1. Work on my Physical Health.  I have spent the last number of years on a downward spiral - ignoring my physical being and the messages it was sending.  Now is the time to "Suck it Up ButterCup" and do this.
2. Find my Passion.  This one is more tricky.  I wish I could say that at the age of 44 (almost 45) I had this one figured out.  I don't...but I am working with the wonderful Ron Renaud to understand the possible.  I spend most of my time hating him because he forces me to confront the truth but that is a sign he is good at doing what he is doing.  
3. Live my Passion (and make money doing it).  At first this seems to be the same as number 2.  But it is not.  I am learning that it is one thing to know what you are passionate about and another to chuck it all to live your passion.  I am figuring that the Universe has decided to give me a bit of a nudge on this one, hence the whole unemployment thing.  

So it is with a combination of terror, excitement, and wonder that I draw a big breath and say "JiaYou" - which in Chinese means make an all out effort.  Eek.