It always amazes me what can come from a long walk on a beautiful day. Yesterday was just one of those days.
While walking along the Stanley Park Seawall on an epically gorgeous day I articulated one of my deepest held dreams out loud. And now I am going to share it with you.
So...deep breath in. I have a declaration to share with all y'all. I am a writer. I love to write. I dream about it. In fact, being a writer is my dream career. I am always thinking up plots and things to write about. I swear, I have written whole novels in my head. It is what I should be doing...
So, effective today, April 1st, 2014 I am declaring:
I AM A WRITER.
Crap. I said it out loud. Not just to myself but to the universe (or you folk reading this blog). And we all know you can't take back what is on the internet. Gulp. Now I actually have to do something about it.
Over the last week or so the idea of being a writer has floated around the edges of my reality. I am working on capturing all the things I love - that is me alone, not me as part of a couple, friendship, company, group. I am having my Julia Roberts moment in Runaway Bride - I am figuring out how I like my eggs.
The thing about doing this soul searching work is it is not always pleasant. I have had to confront some hard truths about who I am and how I limit myself. I was not surprised to learn that I am a turtle - I pull into my shell when something is scary. This is especially true when I am confronted by a situation where I am about to put myself out there - vulnerable to criticism, failure, disappointment - all those things that make us human. Here is how it works. The little gremlins hear things like "Passion Adventure, Exciting Opportunity and Risk" and they go crazy. With surgical precision they jump into full on turtle mode. Pull into the shell, shut down, numb, sleep, escape, run. Maybe they are even more bear like than turtle like - it is like hiding in a cave until the long winter is over.
Since having my aha moment I have chosen to turtle (hibernate) - no blog, no emailing, no writing in my journal. Word silence. Numbing. In true Sharon form I decided to hide from what is the inevitable truth. The Gremlins must be right - Something this big and scary, so heart poundingly exhilirating has got to be bad for me. Think of the rejection, humiliation, hard work, rejection, frustration…rejection…
Wait a second, do you see the theme there? I am terrified of rejection. I do not want to be told I am not good enough by someone else. I mean - that is my job. Creating stories that reinforce my inability to do what I have dreamed of doing since I was a small girl. But there it is again - even in trying to keep myself small and hidden I create stories. It permeates everything I do so I may as well get paid to do it.
Fortunately I have my resident coach and Pain in the Ass Ron Renaud helping me hold myself accountable. Reminding me that words matter and that I am worth it Dammit! So, over Chipotle, some Emmerson and the most glorious spring day I began my Year of Declaration:
I AM A WRITER!
Because my career as a paper mache artist is seriously in question - This was supposed to be a Soccer Ball piñata.
So...deep breath in. I have a declaration to share with all y'all. I am a writer. I love to write. I dream about it. In fact, being a writer is my dream career. I am always thinking up plots and things to write about. I swear, I have written whole novels in my head. It is what I should be doing...
So, effective today, April 1st, 2014 I am declaring:
I AM A WRITER.
Crap. I said it out loud. Not just to myself but to the universe (or you folk reading this blog). And we all know you can't take back what is on the internet. Gulp. Now I actually have to do something about it.
Over the last week or so the idea of being a writer has floated around the edges of my reality. I am working on capturing all the things I love - that is me alone, not me as part of a couple, friendship, company, group. I am having my Julia Roberts moment in Runaway Bride - I am figuring out how I like my eggs.
The thing about doing this soul searching work is it is not always pleasant. I have had to confront some hard truths about who I am and how I limit myself. I was not surprised to learn that I am a turtle - I pull into my shell when something is scary. This is especially true when I am confronted by a situation where I am about to put myself out there - vulnerable to criticism, failure, disappointment - all those things that make us human. Here is how it works. The little gremlins hear things like "Passion Adventure, Exciting Opportunity and Risk" and they go crazy. With surgical precision they jump into full on turtle mode. Pull into the shell, shut down, numb, sleep, escape, run. Maybe they are even more bear like than turtle like - it is like hiding in a cave until the long winter is over.
Since having my aha moment I have chosen to turtle (hibernate) - no blog, no emailing, no writing in my journal. Word silence. Numbing. In true Sharon form I decided to hide from what is the inevitable truth. The Gremlins must be right - Something this big and scary, so heart poundingly exhilirating has got to be bad for me. Think of the rejection, humiliation, hard work, rejection, frustration…rejection…
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| SeaWall Selfie on the Walk that Changed it all with Ron Renaud |
Fortunately I have my resident coach and Pain in the Ass Ron Renaud helping me hold myself accountable. Reminding me that words matter and that I am worth it Dammit! So, over Chipotle, some Emmerson and the most glorious spring day I began my Year of Declaration:
I AM A WRITER!
Because my career as a paper mache artist is seriously in question - This was supposed to be a Soccer Ball piñata.
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| Soccer Ball Piñata |
Kudos on your bravery. I often have thoughts that I too could be a writer. Not as a profession, but wouldn't it be cool to publish one novel about something silly in life. Sedaris rules!
ReplyDeleteSharon! You ARE a writer. Thank you for writing these genuine, vulnerable and thought-provoking posts.
ReplyDelete